I was thinking to write something back in my own blog this morning, .. no, actually, I have been thinking to write again on MY OWN BLOG since weeks ago, but I never made a time for it. I miss writing, for real, sometimes I really miss to pour my inner thoughts somewhere beneath my emotion and just let it out like a giant sigh and blow.
I always like to talk about myself, to let people know me, to get their attention. But there was just an episode that made me STOP doing that, and KILL this habit inside. Someone just said I’m a biased person, and always talk about myself .. and it’s wrong.
I used to let myself not to be drowned in something trivial, like the above, or keep telling myself not too think about it when people try to mess with me, but you know what? It always bothers me, no matter what, how careless and insensitive I looked anytime you see me facing this such episode, I ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE SAY AND THINK ABOUT ME. I just try to look not to care, so it would piss them off.
What would I say now? these days been great hard days for me as a student and yet an individual of society. Losing my strength and spirit to work, having myself confirmed as an ADHD, and my tummy seems to have its own problems, I am in the SLUMP.
Ok, I think i’m going to be a little bit random here, since I just write things what’s in my mind. I got a class today, and it’s not quite interesting, for me, as usual. I never really interesting in studying actually, kekeke~ but you know, even sometimes studying can be really interesting, especially when you get the right teacher. I liked to read books a lot, like let’s say, several months ago until I got this busy time that never spare me time to even take care of myself. I started to spend my time in front of the computer a day and night long, I’m addicted to internet, I never take a rest, then I got sick, but it doesn’t teach me any hard.
People got depressed, and now I know why some people tend to commit suicide at times like this. It hurts, indeed, when you find yourself unable and unwilling do anything you want, not because you’re not capable, but because you don’t try hard enough. Or like what my friend said in her blog,
“Maybe God doesn’t want you to fly.”
I don’t read the whole writing, but this sentence suddenly caught my eyes and I was like crying when I saw that. We may have different cases and experience, this line struck me in different meaning, but I believe the script is just the same between us.
Continuous failures got me stranded in my own alienation, my laziness, my hatred, my self-destruction. Or perhaps, it doesn’t mean that God doesn’t really want me to fly, it’s just not my time yet. And I don’t blame Him, at all, for sure. It’s just that when I got many people support me but it means nothing, and indeed, nothing can cheer me up like a total support. I’m in a stage where I don’t even know what I want, and what I’m willing to do. I’m numb. I’m careless.
and this comes to the end of my writing, .. I take a deep and long breath, I hold it and blow it slowly. calmly. and yet still empty.
This is the end of my suicide.